How to Help Someone Quit Smoking

Tony's last postscript in the original letter was a request: once you've quit, don't be preachy. Give practical help and let people make their own choices. That's still the best advice for anyone who wants to help a smoker.

If they're not ready yet

You can't make someone quit. Lectures, guilt and scare stories usually make people defensive. What helps is honest, calm conversation and leaving the door open:

• Ask, don't tell: "Have you ever thought about stopping?" "What would make it easier?"
• Share your feelings without blame: "I worry about your health because I love you."
• Offer information if they want it, such as ways to quit, then let it sit.
• Keep your home and car smoke-free, for everyone's health.

When they decide to quit

• Ask what they want from you. Some people want daily check-ins; others want you to never mention it.
• Help remove temptation. Clear out ashtrays and lighters; if you smoke, don't do it around them, and never offer one.
• Plan distractions together. A walk after dinner, a film, a new hobby.
• Expect irritability. The first couple of weeks are hard. Don't take it personally.
• Celebrate milestones: one day, one week, one month. Help them spend some of the money saved on something fun.
• Encourage treatment. Medicines and support make success much more likely. Offer to go to an appointment with them.

If they slip

Stay calm. A slip doesn't mean the attempt is over. Avoid "I knew you couldn't do it." Instead, help them work out what triggered it and get back on track. Our guide to slips and relapse is worth sharing.

If you smoke too

Quitting together can be powerful: you share the hard days and the rewards. If you're not ready, support them anyway by smoking outside and away from them, and keeping your cigarettes out of sight.

Social life and nights out

Many smokers' social lives revolve around smoking: the beer garden, the poker night, the casino trip with friends who smoke. Help by suggesting smoke-free alternatives for the first few weeks, or by sticking close when the group heads out for a cigarette. For a weekend away, see our tips on staying smoke-free in Las Vegas and handling casino and bar triggers.

A friendly wager

Some friends and couples make it a game: a pact that the first one to smoke pays for dinner, or puts money into a pot for the other. Research on commitment devices suggests putting something at stake can help some people, as long as it stays supportive rather than punishing. See bet on yourself: commitment contracts.